A Letter to my 40-year old self

Hi. I don’t know if by the time you read this, you are (still) in the right frame of mind, although I am pretty sure you have a lot of thinking going on, which is nothing new. I am writing to you not to see how far you have gone because I know you don’t measure or least take note of success or failure. So don’t worry.

I won’t judge you by the color of your hair, or if you still have hair. But bald certainly doesn’t look good on you, but you can rock it. I know you have experimented with your looks so much, and hopefully you have found what you really like. But I doubt it. You are the kind who is very impatient, and always wants to change. I hope by now, you have learned how to dress for your frame and for your age. Because you were never content with how you dressed. And I hope you are not overspending anymore.

I am optimistic you haven’t forgotten about the #sketchophrenic project that you started when you were 22. By this time, you probably have a whole closet full of sketches. I hope one or two of them have become actual dresses, wedding dresses even. And hopefully, all your female friends have gone to marry the loves of their lives wearing your sketches. You must be very proud and happy. That was your dream, our dream. Not that I am trying to put pressure on you, but I hope you now know how to sew. Well, #justsaying. I hope hashtags are still ‘in’. Better yet, I hope you still have a Facebook account, Instagram and Twitter.

I hope your family is doing fine. Some of your siblings have probably settled and now have a family of their own. You’re probably staying home to look after your parents. That’s if you aren’t based somewhere else. And your house is probably now painted all white as you wish. There is a veranda because you love watching the moon and the stars and the rest of the universe from there. And there is a small chair where you can sit and drink coffee, or milk. You’re okay with both.

You should now realize how proud your family is of you, and feel that you are special and wonderful and blessed. You should be grateful you have a family that stood by you always and never gave you unnecessary weight on your shoulders. Love them even more. And yes, show them because I find it hard to. Do it for me.

Your lawn should have green grasses and orchids by now, and a small wishing well. You used to imagine sitting at the edge of that wishing well. You used to think about that at night before you go to sleep. You would fall asleep and dream small dreams.

You probably have spent many beautiful sunsets and sunrises at the beach where you feel most at peace, closest to your Creator. You still take a very deep breath when your foot first touches the sand and makes a wish. You may or may not know how to swim, but that’s fine. I know you tried, and that is good enough.

I wish you have travelled to a few places I can only dream of now. And I hope you took so many photos because these photos will remind you of the memories, you being a very sentimental guy. I know your collection of seashells is now wide enough to be showcased in a gallery. And you have more bottles of sand in your cabinet. You keep the bottles not for anything but you want to remember who you shared the bottles with. But I hope you haven’t become an alcoholic yourself. If you already are, please slow down. Although you are hard-headed, I hope you grant me this one request.

I hope that whether or not you are alone, you feel loved. I know that you may have lost connection with some of the people dearest to you but focus on those who chose to stay. Remember that everything changes, accept that as a truth. Get hurt, feel abandoned, but move forward. Things really happen.

Appreciate those who show you how much they love you. Hug them. Make them feel how they appreciate you back. Spend time with them. Have a coffee with them. Talk to them. As you always do.

Most of all, continue to make people laugh. Remember that at some point, you believed this to be true “I really just want to be warm yellow light that pours over everyone I love. -Conor Oberst”. Continue to be that yellow light. This is my purpose. I hope you stay the same.





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